Wednesday, March 4, 2015

After Children and Divorce: Can You Still Be Friends?

By Dr Melissa Mullins

Today, even though statistics show that the divorce rate among couples that have children is decreased by 40 percent, many couples with children say goodbye to their marriage. This happens for many, many reasons; some complicated and some not so complicated. However, about half of all children in the US will observe the ending of their parents' marriage.

Divorce happens because of numerous reasons and every couple has a unique story behind their decision to separate. Trying to stay friends is solely your decision and one that takes time to figure out. If you were a victim of domestic violence or abuse, or an affair, your story is considerably different and it may be impossible to remain friends. That is totally understood. However, if you have children involved, it is important to consider their emotional health when deciding to live separate lives.

Getting Past Rough Patches

As with any separation or divorce, it will take time to get past the feelings of hurt or resentment. It is essential to let time do its work; this cannot be rushed. Many divorces or separations have periods of disagreements between the two adults that once loved each other. Being "friends" may not be an option at this point; however, if you can somehow remain civil toward one another and keep from arguing with the kids, this will help the children get through this with you.

Putting Feelings Aside

After some time and some type of resolutions have been made, it will be time to try to put your negative feelings aside and move on. Granted, this is not easy because many hurtful acts or words may have been reciprocated between the two of you. Yet, if you have children, try to think of their needs and the fact that they are not going to want to listen to constant arguing between the two of you. This type of negative communication will lead to stress and anxiety on you as well as the kids, which is certainly not healthy.

Forgiving

After even more time has passed, try to consider forgiveness. It will do nothing to constantly think about what happened to cause the marriage to dissolve, and finding peace with everything will help your emotional and physical well-being. This certainly does not mean you need to "forget about it", because whatever happened in the marriage will always be in your memories. However, learning to cope and forgive will help you and your children. Staying emotionally and physically well will trickle down to the children, and this is a good thing!

Children First

Please remember that the children come first. If your marriage ends in a very negative way, consistently talking destructively about your ex will only cause more hurt feelings within the kids. Think about it. Your spouse is your children's father or mother, and they love them unconditionally. Hearing harmful words or seeing harmful actions can cause major resentment in the children. Shelter their feelings and protect them, even if you have anger toward your ex.

So, can you be friends with an ex? Yes, you can. Not in the way that means you have to go out to dinner and hang out on a regular basis, but on a conversational yet distant level. Many couples, after time of healing from any ill-will, are friends. There are couples who have vowed to stay friends for the sake of the children. It is never easy for children to see the two people they love the most break-up, but if it must happen, it definitely makes it easier if they try to get along!

Dr. Melissa Mullins
Goal Achievement Coach

What I do is help people to get "unstuck" and to regain balance in their lives through life coaching.

Please visit my website for additional information at http://www.drmelissamblog.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr_Melissa_Mullins
http://EzineArticles.com/?After-Children-and-Divorce:-Can-You-Still-Be-Friends?&id=8932907

No comments:

Post a Comment