Bitch or doormat. That covers a lot of territory. Where does assertiveness lie on this continuum?
Many times assertiveness is confused with aggressiveness. A dog that growls a warning when being played with too roughly is being assertive, while one that attacks with no apparent cause or warning is being aggressive. Similarly, an assertive woman will give warning when her boundaries are being crossed (and finally walk away or bite if necessary), while an aggressive woman will pick fights and belittle or demean others without warning.
Most of us tend to avoid aggressive people of either gender. Consequently, a lot of women would rather be too sweet than too aggressive. Relationships are very important to our wellbeing and we may have a tendency to be too sweet, to give too much, to set too few limits in order to avoid the risk of alienating people.
A woman I once knew did that. From where to eat on a date to what type of car she should drive, this woman allowed her husband to "be the man" in the mistaken notion that she was making him feel needed and strong. It backfired. Her husband lost all respect for her and began treating her with contempt that edged into abuse. After their divorce, he got involved with a woman who knew what she wanted and didn't hesitate to let him know her preferences, nor hesitate to growl at him if he stepped over the line. He loved it. Finally he had found a woman who was willing to push back when he tried to push her too far. His respect for her grew, and with that respect, his passion and fascination.
Weak men want weak women. Vacuous doormats. But strong men want women who won't let themselves be treated disrespectfully. Who know their own minds and are willing to ask for what they want, yet are also willing to be flexible and gracious when it's needed. A strong man realizes that a woman who is capable of taking care of herself and seeing that her needs are met is also capable of having his back when the chips are down. If she can be relied on to be assertive and not allow herself to be a chokingly sweet little doormat, then he knows she is strong enough to be there for him when the world is baying at his heels and he needs succor and support.
Therefore, it is in your best interests to become adept at the skill of assertiveness. Be the gracious queen, not the wicked witch nor the scullery maid. And if that is too strong for him, then he is too weak for you.
Dr. Loral Lee Portenier, transformational psychologist and coach, works with women who are tired, hurting, or confused to help them reclaim their power, renew their passion, and revive their purpose for living. She teaches people how to turn life transitions into transformations instead of disasters as they learn how to live their dreams. Discover more about how she can help you at http://SacredDreamsCoaching.com.
Request your complimentary Discovery Session now! Soaring@SacredDreamsCoaching.com.
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