Fighting the Incivility Virus

By Frank Pray

Civility may not open a mind, but incivility will close it. Most of our communication is goal oriented: We want something. That goal might be a vote, a kiss, a job, a better deal, admiration, or information to make a decision. Unless our message is received, it will not affect a change of mind or heart. So, there is a practical reason to be civil in a debate or argument: it means we will improve our chances of getting what we want.
Incivility also closes the mind of the one who is being uncivil. Incivility rests on the premise that the other party is too stupid, ignorant, evil, or thoughtless to grasp the truth. This extreme labeling closes your mind that the other person's view may have some have some valid points. Usually, neither party in a debate or argument has all the information, skill, wisdom, or good judgment to be 100% correct. An insult closes the door on any data that could correct an error in your understanding.
Incivility can also close the door to compromise. Incivility is a wrong long remembered. Anger with a person who has insulted you will mean that it is much less likely you will cooperate with that person to reach a "win-win" outcome in a negotiation.
Incivility also breeds an "us vs. them" mentality. We see ourselves in exaggerated self-esteem as good, but view the opponent as evil. Political, cultural, and religious polarization results.
Washington politics reflects the discord generally in the country. Incivility encourages distrust that any good resides in opposing views. One party in Congress goes forward with legislation with no input from the opposing party. After all, there can be no compromise with the devil.
But civility is not just being nice or conceding to an opposing view to keep the peace. Civility is flexible on minor or moderate differences but does not bend on core principles. Ethical advocates advance even core principles by compromise, knowing that not to negotiate may mean no gains at all, and maybe losses.
Here are some ideas for maintaining civility in the face of fierce disagreement on matters you care about:
1. Find some point in the debate on which you can agree. Look for common ground, and state the points of agreement first. Re-stating the other party's argument conveys you are listening, and able to take a different perspective.
2. Acknowledge in the discussion that you can understand how the opponent could view things as she does, but that you believe that viewpoint has some weaknesses. Unsurprisingly, this approach works better than calling the other person a blockhead.
3. Avoid words like "always," "never," "clearly," "undoubtedly," and "without question." Try fewer black and white characterizations, such as "sometimes," "often," "generally," "perhaps," "maybe," or "it seems," or "it appears."
4. Where possible and truthful, find a way to compliment your opponent about the way she has presented her case.
5. Before launching into a statement of the facts and argument, summarize to your opponent the key points you have heard him make, and ask if that is a fair summation. This exercise will reduce your opponent's anxiety or skepticism about whether you are listening.
6. Stick to the issues and evidence. Avoid attacks on the personality or underhanded tactics of the opponent. But, if there is an outright lie or breach of trust, call it out in clear but non-belligerent terms.
7. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean you become a punching bag. But pick which attacks merit counterattack. Often an opponent is baiting you, getting "inside your head" to get you emotionally reactive, and therefore off point. Being civil can convey you're not so easily distracted from the goal.
8. See that your opponent's incivility exposes a weakness. If the evidence and argument were convincing, there wouldn't be a need to attack you personally. Probe for gaps in reasoning or proof, and focus on those instead of vengeance. That weakness might be a lack of knowledge, an effort to cover up a past embarrassing history, a lack of confidence in himself or his case, or a warped conviction that hostility is the only way to win. You can use that weakness to your advantage if the opponent refuses to compromise.
9. If other approaches fail, confront the bully directly by declaring calmly but firmly: "enough." State the consequences of continued incivility. Report the bully, or if it is an option, refuse to further engage with the bully. Walk away from the deal.
10. Surround yourself with supportive friends and colleagues. Most people practice basic politeness and courtesy. Friends can bring balance and perspective. If possible, find a way to laugh at the some of your opponent's more outrageous incivilities
In conclusion, incivility is a corrosive practice that polarizes people. Incivility closes our minds to see the merits of an opposing viewpoint. Incivility also diverts focus from the issues and evidence. Incivility causes a breakdown in progress as people are unable to reach a compromise. However, the answer is to respond without counterattack. Stay focused on the issues and best factual arguments. The ultimate victory is the satisfaction of making the better case on the evidence.
Frank Pray is a Newport Beach California Employee Rights Attorney with over 40 years litigation experience. His work requires him to negotiate a variety of often emotional cases with strong opposing advocates. The issues involve charges of discrimination, whistleblower retaliation, wage violations, defamation, and harassment at work. If you are a California employee with questions about wrongful termination or hostile work environment or have questions about severance agreements, non-compete agreements, or trade secret agreements, you may contact Mr. Pray at 949-251-1006 or fpray@employee-rights-atty.com.
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Letting Go Of Doubts In A Relationship By Looking Deep Within Yourself

Letting Go Of Doubts In A Relationship By Looking Deep Within Yourself
By James Nussbaumer

The world likes to teach us that having doubts is a signal that something is not right with this situation. Or, if it is relationship doubts then you should be cautious and not rush to falling in love or getting married.

Even on television news or movie drama, we see that having doubts should mean that possibly someone is "up to no good" and doesn't deserve our attention.

Hardly do we see that having doubts is a sign pointing us to look deeper within ourselves.

In a set of previous articles (which I've linked to one another) I discussed the woman from Croatia, named Nakita, writing to me in an Ohio prison inviting me to participate in a worldwide mindfulness meditation for world peace, to be held on December 22, 2010, at 9:30 PM.

I would participate from my bunk in the often violent din of the cell block. I must say I was certainly having doubts about the validity of this event, a scam or a sort of prank, I 'd think.

I tossed around the idea of my relationship doubts with this woman, since I 'd never even met her ever before, she writes me out of the blue, and "I'm supposed to trust her," were more haunting thoughts.

I wondered, "Was it really the new relationship with Nakita I was having doubts over?"

Or was it something else?

That was until I heard some words in a conversation from other inmates that I 'd taken as a signal from the universe, or, we may say the Holy Spirit, that this indeed must be a real live event.

Why was I making judgments and having my doubts?

Even with these good-minded thoughts and the alert signal from the Holy Spirit, or, Karma, as I 'd mentioned in a previous article, I again regressed to vigilant questioning in my mind and having doubts.

This time it was over the time zones around the world.

Why had Nakita scheduled this "meeting of minds" for 9:30 PM Eastern time, which was very convenient for me?

Again, positive right-minded thinking entered my mind, suggesting that maybe Nakita was not the organizer of this event. It was very possible it could have been arranged by, say, an individual or group in the Far East, or even Australia.

She never said she was the originator, so why was I hanging onto that notion?

My having doubts turned more toward trust when it dawned on me like bright rays of sunlight bursting through cloud cover: Why should I be so concerned about all of this anyway? It really didn't matter who the organizer was, or what time it occurred.

Feelings of inner peace

With that one lasting peaceful thought I remembered a lesson from A Course in Miracles teaching that, "Time was only real in the Holy Spirit's use of it," and He was using it for this event.

I was urged by myself to simply let go of having doubts and any negative-minded attempts to intrude on my thought process about this mindfulness meditation event, and I proceeded to set my sights on the inner peace I was feeling in general about the whole idea.

Any wrong-minded thoughts or having doubts from the ego would only block the extension of the thoughts from others, regardless of how many minds were involved in this mindfulness meditation.

It would block my joy as well, which was really most important here for me to consider. Another thought hit me that if my own joy were to be blocked, then I would perceive myself as being unfulfilled.

I went on to perceive this to be a necessary excitement for myself, there, deep in the rabbit hole of prison, one that would give me a sense of accomplishment and completion, and most of all, wholeness.

What accomplishment do I mean?

I'll let you answer that for yourself, while you contemplate the following passage from A Course in Miracles:

" Spirit knows that the awareness of all its brothers is included in its own, as it is included in God. The power of the whole Sonship and Its Creator is therefore spirit's own fullness, rendering its creations equally whole, and equal in perfection. The ego can not prevail against a totality that includes God, and any totality must include God."

We all seem to be cautious when having fears and doubts, but the most wonderful associations we have with one another are in being honest enough to share our feelings.

To peace and love in your relationships

http://jamesnussbaumer.com/self-help-library/ Hi, I'm James Nussbaumer, I'd like to introduce myself through my thought provoking self-improvement and inspirational books, articles, and other content which are reflections of A Course in Miracles. I'm also offering you a Free version of my EVERYDAY MIRACLES newsletter, where you'll get updates on my webinars, videos, livestreams, other events and so much more, helping everyday people live life on their own terms. This is for folks who are interested in letting go of the past and attaining Real Abundance, Purpose, and Wellness in their lives. http://jamesnussbaumer.com/my-blog/

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How Do We Know If We Can Trust Someone?

By Kathleen Dwyer Blair

Many of us trust too easily only to discover that we were betrayed. Others of us don't trust at all. Trusting too quickly, or not trusting at all, usually says more about us than about the other person. Trust is not something that we want to automatically do when we meet someone. We also don't want to automatically mistrust someone either. Some of us experience an involuntary response to trust, or not to trust, and neither one of these extremes serve us well.

Trust is something that takes time. It's a process.

Trust is a process

When I say, trust is a process, it means that it takes time to get to know someone. If we enter a relationship at a slow and steady pace, we will discover more about who the other person's true self. We can then determine whether they can be trusted with our feelings, and our shared personal information, because our trust is the greatest gift we can give someone.

Finding the Balance

Some of us were betrayed early in life, and we don't trust easily because of that. Others so desperately want to be in a relationship, or a friendship, that we rush to trust someone to make that happen. We don't give ourselves the opportunity, and time, to get to know that person to determine if they are trustworthy, or not.

In adulthood, often not being able to trust a friend, or a potential romantic partner, may be because we have been betrayed in our childhood, adolescence, or at some time as an adult. The person desiring our trust may very well be trustworthy, however we may not be able to recognize this due to our history.

Our Past Relationships Reflected in The Present

One of the first big tasks of our lives is establishing trust versus mistrust. As a child, we develop a sense that our needs will be met, versus a sense that they won't. Our view of the world is often determined by how secure we feel that we can rely on others for our expectations to be met. If we have had good, consistent relationships in the past, we may assume as much from our current and future relationships, and trust too easily based upon this experience.

If our parents, or our experiences in past relationships, were inconsistent in meeting our needs, we may fear current and future relationships will respond the same way. We make ourselves vulnerable when we trust. Withholding our trust may be used as self-preservation to protect us from being hurt again. How can I trust myself from past mistakes?

It's Not You, It's Me

Sometimes it is challenging to differentiate to determine if we are not feeling trustworthy of someone else. Is it about them? Or is it about our own history? So many times, I have heard during psychotherapy sessions that, "My friend is talking about other people and I'm uncomfortable. I don't know if I ought to trust them or not."

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Global Drought

By Dr. Tim G Williams

Webster defined drought as a period of below-average precipitation in a given region, resulting in prolonged shortages in its water supply, whether atmospheric, surface water or ground water. A drought can last for months, years, or may even last for decades. The world today is faced with the fact that many countries around the world have squandered their natural resource of fresh water to the point that very critical shortages are already occurring. What is amazing though is that the Earth provides all living things with abundant amounts of rainfall and snow to survive. The logistics of fresh water transport to areas that are faced with dire shortages is hampered by monetary constraints that always thwart those areas from receiving relief form their water shortages.

Whether it is greed, the inhumanity of man or just plain ignorance are the main reasons why millions of people are now facing acute shortages of fresh clean water. It is very apparent to see that abundant fresh available water is the first primary requirement for any and all other projects. Without abundant available fresh water any future development whether it's new construction for homes or businesses or for agriculture will end up in failure. What is a major factor of the contributor to global water shortages is due to mans gluttony of the consumption of fossil fuels for the past 100 years. Our insistence on relying on fossil fuels has intensified Global warming to the point to where we are facing a global catastrophe of epic proportions. This disaster is happening right now in areas in the Mid East and will spread through-out the world if we fail to utilize the technologies that are now available to usher in an age of progress to eliminate the enormous consumption of fossil fuel sources. We also have to coordinate global initiatives to end drought conditions that are already occurring around the world.

In Egypt due to the lack of sufficient infrastructure to trap rain run offs the recent days of heavy rain and subsequent flooding swept tons of soil and other containments into the Nile. The Nile is the main fresh water supplier for all of Egypt now has been deluged with slit and sewage forcing the closures of practically all of their water treatment centers. This is just a sample of the monumental task of securing abundant fresh water for Egypt. The situation is dire for other Mid Eastern countries as well. The availability of potable freshwater has made the prices skyrocket to the point that millions still suffer because they cannot afford the rising costs now associated with procuring fresh water from all around the region.

The United States is not immune to the lack of fresh clean water either. Flint Michigan is a typical example of man's carelessness in not providing fresh water to the people of Flint, Michigan. Coastal regions like Florida also have inadequate measures in place to provide fresh water for the growing population. Due the vulnerability of the Southeast to tropical storms and hurricanes the infrastructure in place to trap rain and storm runoffs is woefully inadequate. And, what ever rain falls the rain run off goes right into the Atlantic or into the Gulf of Mexico. All across the United States people are facing fresh water shortages, rising costs, and even worse have their water shut off just because they can't pay their water bill. With so much emphasis on the recent Dakota oil pipe line where so much media attention is focused we should be really focusing on water transport instead of oil. Man can live quite well without oil but cannot live very long without fresh water.

We should remember that before modern times the Incas were able to sustain their culture above the rain line by collecting dew and channeling it to cisterns for later distribution. Historical records indicate the use of water-collecting fog fences. These traditional methods have usually been completely passive, requiring no external energy source other than naturally occurring temperatures. And, if ancient Rome can build aqueducts to supply Rome with more than enough fresh water just think what man can build today using our available technologies. We have already developed water technologies far superior to what the Incas deployed. There should be no reason why anyone anywhere around the world should have to suffer because of the lack of available fresh water. And yet wars are continually being fought for water rights. Today, the rising costs associated with the lack of potable fresh water have put mankind on the very brink of a catastrophe that if not immediately addressed will add to the deployment of a disaster of epic proportions that will soon explode on a global scale.

Yet, it continues to be the greed of man whether it is for corporate profits, political gain, or the power to control populations the available technologies that would greatly reduce the global tensions because of the lack of fresh available potable water are kept from ever reaching the areas that benefit the most. When you have water companies using free solar energy to harness enough fresh water right form the atmosphere but purposely keep that technology cost prohibitive only further exasperates water shortages. The need is imperative that to defuse a ticking time bomb due to the lack of fresh potable water these technologies must be made available to areas and countries that are most at risk of suffering due to the lack of fresh water. In the end water companies will become more profitable and global suffering of populations will ease. All because now they will have available fresh water without having to fight for water rights.

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Husband And Wife Business Partnership: Good Idea Or Bad Idea?

By Sohaib Azam, Esq

Partnerships in business are always a tough thing to consider because of the many caveats associated with a partnership. A husband and wife partnership is another such type of partnership to consider. This article will look at a few factors which one should look at before deciding on this type of business.

#1: Issue Of Trust And Cooperation

Even in a marriage, trust will always remain an issue. In the context of business, trust between all individuals is key. The husband and wife must be able to understand each other and understand that the other person is not trying to do things behind the other's back. This might include using business expenses for personal things or making an important business decision without talking to the other person. Both spouses must make sure that they can trust one another and that one will not make major unilateral decisions without talking to the other person.

Cooperation is just as important in a husband-wife partnership. Both individuals need to be able to come to an agreement on major business decisions such as how to use expenses and whether to adopt a new product or service. While it is not always important for both parties to agree 100 percent on every issue, there has to be a solid mutual understanding on the part of both parties with regard to the decisions made. Without cooperation, trust becomes a major issue when running the business.

#2: If The Couple Gets A Divorce Or Becomes Separated, What Happens?

It's always one of the biggest, but unfortunate, possibilities that a couple will decide to either separate or get a divorce. This not only causes great strain between the husband and wife, but also on their ability to run the business as a team. Depending on the nature of the separation or divorce, one person may have to give up their stake in the business, but this may not be easy to agree to.

Anytime there is a falling out between partners, the partnership and its operation become more difficult. This is even more problematic when a married couple falls out because of the difficulties involved in separating and/or getting a divorce as well as the impact it will have on the business. Both individuals will need to come to an agreement as to how to operate the partnership should either of these situations happen.

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A Leadership Necessity: Maintain Integrity, But Know When To Compromise

By Richard Brody

Some individuals serving in positions of leadership, seem to feel, a leader must never compromise, while others appear ready to do so, without hesitation! After four decades of identifying, qualifying, developing, training and consulting, to over a thousand real and/ or potential leaders, I've come to believe that this concept, is often one of the most challenging to grasp, understand, and come to terms with! It is, indeed, necessary, for anyone wanting to be a successful leader, to understand when COMPROMISE is appropriate, and called for, and when it is merely a form of copping out, and taking a somewhat expedient, unprincipled course. How can someone come to a meeting of the minds, for the common good, seeking alternatives, etc, while maintaining one's commitment to maintain his absolute integrity, and still effectively listen to others, so as to achieve priorities and objectives, while still comforting and reassuring others?

1. Cooperate; create; correct: How do you determine, for a certainty, that your approach is the correct one, or the best alternative? Isn't there a possibility, most of the major objectives, goals, priorities and concerns, can be addressed in some sort of alternative strategy? Are you willing to focus on cooperative solutions and approaches, rather than adversarial ones? There is often a fine line between doing the right thing and sticking to one's principles, and coming to a compromise, in order to be pragmatic, and get something, of significance, done! Leading should be about creating something which serves the group and stakeholders, and not about My way or the highway!

2. Options: Are you certain there is no other option/ alternative, which might achieve most of the goals and objectives you seek? Isn't it better to compromise, from strength and logic, so that your idealism, is combined with being practical and achievable, by utilizing the proper degree of pragmatism?

3. Meanings: What is the central theme, or meaning, of your idea or plan? How will you articulate it, so that others, will buy into your vision, and adopt it (or, at least most of it), as their own?

4. Priorities; plans: Focus on the priorities, rather than merely rigidly adhering to your plan (known as Plan A)! Examine alternatives, in relation, to what you want to achieve and accomplish!

5. Relevant; rational; rationale; relate: Why might it be that others have difficulties accepting your approach? How can you help them to better relate to it, and feel it's both relevant and rational? Will you clearly explain and articulate your rationale?

6. Opportunities; opinions: Often, the major, defining difference between a great leader, and a wannabe, is understanding the need to prepare for opportunities, as well as create his own! Facts and opinions often vary, and a real leader must be ready, willing and able to distinguish between them!

7. Musts; methods: In every plan, leaders should differentiate between the musts and the wants! He must be willing to use the best methods available, and to evolve, as well as adapt, if necessary and called for.

8. Ideas; ideology; integrity; improve: Get to the crux of the matter, and don't sweat the petty stuff! Articulate your central ideas and ideology, maintain absolute integrity, and focus on improving!

9. Strength; sustainable system: A great leader becomes stronger by strengthening everyone around him! View everything in terms of the present needs, as well as intermediate and long - term sustainability!

10. Examine; evolve: Examine as many relevant factors and alternatives as possible, so you might tweak your plan, and create a meeting of the minds. When one compromises to achieve, without sacrificing the mission and purpose, he has properly done so! To compromise merely to get along, is not leadership! Evolve and understand that while it's nice to be idealistic, unless you achieve, it is merely symbolic! There is a time for pragmatic idealism!

The famous song tells us there is a time to hold them, and to fold them! Maintain absolute integrity, but know when, and how to COMPROMISE effectively!

Richard has owned businesses, been a COO, CEO, and Director of Development, as well as a consultant. He has professionally run events, consulted to over a thousand leaders, and conducted personal development seminars, for over 30 years. Rich has written three books and well over a thousand articles. His company, PLAN2LEAD, LLC has an informative website: http://plan2lead.net and LIKE the Facebook page for leadership planning: http://facebook.com/Plan2lead

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Empowering Yourself: What You Can Do About Mass Shootings

By Dr. Linda Sapadin

The San Bernardino killings occurred on December 9th, just 9 weeks after the Oregon student shootings. Will I be surprised if another mass shooting erupts between my writing this article and its publication? Not at all. For mass shootings have now become part of the American landscape.

We feel not only horrified but helpless too. What can we do to prevent these kinds of tragedies? We keep calling for better mental health services and, at least, a modicum of gun control. Such actions would help. But they are political issues that won't change overnight. They require altering attitudes, spending mucho money and creating nationwide systems to implement the changes.

So, is there anything that can be done right now to help prevent, or, at least, lower the frequency of, mass shootings?

Yes, there is. And the answer is solidly backed by psychological research. We need to demand that the media report these types of shootings in a non-sensational way. When they don't, they make the shooter a media star. This is what many of these disturbed minds want.

Perhaps the most poignant example of this is the shooting at Roseburg, Oregon. When Sheriff John Hanlin announced the details of the shooting, he said "I will not name the shooter... I will not give him the credit he probably sought prior to this horrific and cowardly act."

It wasn't long, however, before a CNN anchor took a different approach, bragging, "We do know his name and we are reporting it. His name is (xxxx)... He listed himself as (xxxx blog name). In his blog, he wrote, 'When they spill a little blood, the whole world knows who they are... Seems the more people you kill, the more you're in the limelight.'"

The Oregon shooter was right about being in the limelight. The names of the killers of JFK, RFK, and Lennon now live in infamy. By committing a heinous act, they raised their status from "nobody" to "somebody." Recent killings have gravitated from assassinating high-level people to committing mass murder. Fashion is fickle... even when it's deciding your style of murder.

These new killings are generally perpetrated by a person who is alienated, angry, and feels like a "nobody." What does he do with those powerful feelings? He sits on them - for a period of time. Then, he takes action. The form of the action is shaped more by what's outside of him then what's inside. That is, he decides what action to take by copy-catting others. As he watches the media sensationalize shootings, he discovers his path to fame. Simply pull the trigger and be "somebody."

So what should the media do? Stop reporting these shootings? Of course not. The media needs to do its job. It needs to cover the news but it doesn't need to sensationalize the event. News media can practice, as we all must, restraint.

But these are sensational stories. What's the press doing wrong?

They are hyping the story, not reporting it. What's the difference? Let me paraphrase Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart who when describing his threshold test for pornography said, "I know it when I see it."

Hyped reporting is when the story is repeated ad nauseum, spiced up with interviews from grieving relatives, shocked bystanders, even children on site.

Hyped reporting is when dramatic footage is shown over and over again, along with grisly photos and any other tidbits of information that stir our emotions.

Hyped reporting is when the goal is to hook the audience by revving up their emotions so that the buzz does not quickly die down.

But aren't we, the listener, to blame too? After all, we are the end consumer, gobbling up these news stories, pictures and videos like juicy junk food? Of course, we have a role in this. Though we are not creating the hype, we are consuming it. But if we are smart, we will demand that reporting on this epidemic of mass murders be done in a completely different way.

What if the media set a policy of strict blackouts on publicity for these killers? No names, no photos, no identifying information, no interviews with family members, neighbors, teachers etc. Do you think this would diminish the frequency of such attacks? I do. And my opinion is backed by psychological science, which has documented that media coverage is contagious. This is true for mass shootings and for suicides.

If you agree with me, get active. An immediate step you could take is to contact media sources you watch, listen to or read. Ask them to go along with this blackout. Tell them not to wait till the next mass murder. Do it now. Then ask your social media friends to do the same.

Then, an additional step you can take is to contact your legislators. Ask them to create laws which make such blackouts mandatory. Is this squashing freedom of the press? No, it is squashing freedom of the mass murderers. Anybody against that?

© 2016

If you'd like to empower yourself to do something about frequent, frightening mass shootings, take action. Contact the media that you listen to, read and watch. Demand that they create a blackout policy for mass murderers. No names mentioned. No 15 minutes of fame for these deranged people. Spread the work via social media. It's time for all of us to get active."The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good me to do nothing," Edmund Burke.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Dr._Linda_Sapadin/145023
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