Incivility also closes the mind of the one who is being uncivil. Incivility rests on the premise that the other party is too stupid, ignorant, evil, or thoughtless to grasp the truth. This extreme labeling closes your mind that the other person's view may have some have some valid points. Usually, neither party in a debate or argument has all the information, skill, wisdom, or good judgment to be 100% correct. An insult closes the door on any data that could correct an error in your understanding.
Incivility can also close the door to compromise. Incivility is a wrong long remembered. Anger with a person who has insulted you will mean that it is much less likely you will cooperate with that person to reach a "win-win" outcome in a negotiation.
Incivility also breeds an "us vs. them" mentality. We see ourselves in exaggerated self-esteem as good, but view the opponent as evil. Political, cultural, and religious polarization results.
Washington politics reflects the discord generally in the country. Incivility encourages distrust that any good resides in opposing views. One party in Congress goes forward with legislation with no input from the opposing party. After all, there can be no compromise with the devil.
But civility is not just being nice or conceding to an opposing view to keep the peace. Civility is flexible on minor or moderate differences but does not bend on core principles. Ethical advocates advance even core principles by compromise, knowing that not to negotiate may mean no gains at all, and maybe losses.
Here are some ideas for maintaining civility in the face of fierce disagreement on matters you care about:
1. Find some point in the debate on which you can agree. Look for common ground, and state the points of agreement first. Re-stating the other party's argument conveys you are listening, and able to take a different perspective.
2. Acknowledge in the discussion that you can understand how the opponent could view things as she does, but that you believe that viewpoint has some weaknesses. Unsurprisingly, this approach works better than calling the other person a blockhead.
3. Avoid words like "always," "never," "clearly," "undoubtedly," and "without question." Try fewer black and white characterizations, such as "sometimes," "often," "generally," "perhaps," "maybe," or "it seems," or "it appears."
4. Where possible and truthful, find a way to compliment your opponent about the way she has presented her case.
5. Before launching into a statement of the facts and argument, summarize to your opponent the key points you have heard him make, and ask if that is a fair summation. This exercise will reduce your opponent's anxiety or skepticism about whether you are listening.
6. Stick to the issues and evidence. Avoid attacks on the personality or underhanded tactics of the opponent. But, if there is an outright lie or breach of trust, call it out in clear but non-belligerent terms.
7. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean you become a punching bag. But pick which attacks merit counterattack. Often an opponent is baiting you, getting "inside your head" to get you emotionally reactive, and therefore off point. Being civil can convey you're not so easily distracted from the goal.
8. See that your opponent's incivility exposes a weakness. If the evidence and argument were convincing, there wouldn't be a need to attack you personally. Probe for gaps in reasoning or proof, and focus on those instead of vengeance. That weakness might be a lack of knowledge, an effort to cover up a past embarrassing history, a lack of confidence in himself or his case, or a warped conviction that hostility is the only way to win. You can use that weakness to your advantage if the opponent refuses to compromise.
9. If other approaches fail, confront the bully directly by declaring calmly but firmly: "enough." State the consequences of continued incivility. Report the bully, or if it is an option, refuse to further engage with the bully. Walk away from the deal.
10. Surround yourself with supportive friends and colleagues. Most people practice basic politeness and courtesy. Friends can bring balance and perspective. If possible, find a way to laugh at the some of your opponent's more outrageous incivilities
In conclusion, incivility is a corrosive practice that polarizes people. Incivility closes our minds to see the merits of an opposing viewpoint. Incivility also diverts focus from the issues and evidence. Incivility causes a breakdown in progress as people are unable to reach a compromise. However, the answer is to respond without counterattack. Stay focused on the issues and best factual arguments. The ultimate victory is the satisfaction of making the better case on the evidence.
Frank Pray is a Newport Beach California Employee Rights Attorney with over 40 years litigation experience. His work requires him to negotiate a variety of often emotional cases with strong opposing advocates. The issues involve charges of discrimination, whistleblower retaliation, wage violations, defamation, and harassment at work. If you are a California employee with questions about wrongful termination or hostile work environment or have questions about severance agreements, non-compete agreements, or trade secret agreements, you may contact Mr. Pray at 949-251-1006 or fpray@employee-rights-atty.com.
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